You know those moments in life where you are completely aware that your life is about to be forever changed? It's surreal and terrifying, although I have found that though my biggest life "sea changes" I've also been overcome with a deep sense of peace.
I remember the exact moment I decided I was done pondering everything that could be or may never be between Josh and I and it had been long enough. I picked up my phone and texted my mom to tell her I needed to talk. Since I'd turned him down 6 months earlier and hadn't stopped thinking of it since.
I know the afternoon I spent methodically getting ready for the date that would hold the biggest question of my life and a very large and very sparkly ring. I don't know why I ever contemplated what my answer would be, in my heart I always knew it wouldn't be no.
And more recently I've known the moment where it was more than a feeling and it was all about to change again and I handed the pregnancy test to Josh because I couldn't be the one to read the results. It was too big.
"Abbe, you're a mom." was his reply as he held me and let me cry. , Over the moon happy and scared, a million and one emotions all at the same time.
And again, because I'm such a chicken, "Abbe, you're going to be an amazing boy-mom" after he opened the little envelope with our ultrasound photo. We cried together that time.
I'm 27 weeks pregnant with our precious little boy. Which explains why I'm awake and typing this at 3:48am and finishing it a good week later. Gah, pregnancy side effects are no joke.
It's been a long time since I've stopped to write. The words just haven't been there. My journal doesn't even know the good news yet. I've neglected it all. Finding it a much harder discipline than I expected to even sit down and write thank you notes for my birthday and a little love note to Josh to find when he got home from Nashville late last week.
I've felt more than I knew I could over these past 6 months, I've been emotionally, physically, and spiritually overwhelmed, carrying a child is more than meets the eye. I spent over 4 months in bed doing nothing but sleeping and throwing up, trying to keep liquid down so that I wouldn't end up in the hospital and crying when it was time to shower because I swear I could smell the water and it was not good. It's truly a full-body experience. My thoughts are choppy and the words are stuck somewhere between my head and heart.
For the longest time I thought I'd exit my 20s married, with a busy little family, etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. Imagine my surprise when I realized that despite my best efforts I couldn't make those dreams come true. It took a lot of waiting and lot of wondering why God wouldn't give me what I wanted. There were some pathetic seasons of self-pity, hard seasons of surrender and then just when I least expected it, there was another lesson waiting for me in what is called "faith" and I had to learn anew what it meant to trust God when I fell in love with my best friend.
That was my plan, God had other ideas. It included marriage at age 27, life in the deep south, and an almost-instant little family (something I don't take for granted, as so many of my friends are struggling to become pregnant or have lost a child, I was afraid of that too). I'm so grateful for these things, especially the gift of a healthy healthy baby. And did I mention IT'S A BOY!
I'm still a little bit in shock over that one. While we were dating Josh and I joked about what our future family would look like. We'd settled on 5 fancy little girls and 1 messy little boy to keep the girls on their toes. Now he's pretty sure we're going to kick things off with a fancy little boy instead. Like, he thinks my fancyness is going to rub off or something...
Who are we kidding, it probably will.
Today is Josh and my's 7 month-iversary and I can still say, with all my heart, it's been the sweetest season of my life. Marriage is much better than I ever anticipated and I love these two boys of mine more than you could know.
